Sometimes we are accused
— believe it or not — of being overly negative in our annual Year in
Review. Critics say we ignore the many positive events in a given year
and focus instead on the stupid, the tragic, the evil, the disgusting,
the Kardashians.
Okay, critics:
We have heard you. This year, instead of dwelling on the negatives,
we’re going to start our annual review with a List of the Top Ten Good
Things That Happened in 2015. Ready? Here we go:
1. We didn’t hear that much about Honey Boo Boo.
2.
Okay,
we’ll have to get back to you on Good Things 2 through 10. We
apologize, but 2015 had so many negatives that we’re having trouble
seeing the positives. It’s like we’re on the Titanic, and it’s tilting
at an 85-degree angle with its propellers way up in the air, and we’re
dangling over the cold Atlantic trying to tell ourselves: “At least
there’s no waiting for the shuffleboard courts!”
Are
we saying that 2015 was the worst year ever? Are we saying it was worse
than, for example, 1347, the year when the bubonic plague killed a
large part of humanity?
Yes, we are saying
that. Because at least the remainder of humanity was not exposed to a
solid week in which the news media focused intensively on the question
of whether a leading candidate for president of the United States had,
or had not, made an explicit reference to a prominent female TV
journalist’s biological lady cycle.
That
actually happened in 2015, and it was not the only bad thing. This was
the year when American sports fans became more excited about their
fantasy sports teams — which, for the record, are imaginary — than about
sports teams that actually exist. This was the year when the “selfie”
epidemic, which was already horrendous, somehow got even worse. Of the
105 billion photographs taken by Americans this year, 104.9 billion
consist of a grinning face looming, blimplike, in the foreground, with a
tiny image of something — the Grand Canyon, the pope, a 747 crashing —
peeking out in the distance behind the person’s left ear.
This was the year of the “man-bun.”
And if all that isn’t bad enough, this was the year they tricked us into thinking Glenn got killed on “The Walking Dead.”
(By the way: spoiler alert.)
At
this point you are saying: “Wait a minute! Surely there were some
positive developments in 2015! How about the fact that, after so many
years of sneering judgmentalism and divisive, overheated rhetoric, we
were able to have rational, open-minded conversations about such issues
as gun ownership, gay marriage, race relations and abortion, so that, as
a nation, we finally began to come together and ... whoa! Sorry!
Evidently I am high on narcotics.”
Yes, you are. And we intend to join you soon.
But first we need to take one last look back at the hideous reality of
2015, which began, as so many ill-fated years have in the past, with ...
January
... which finds the Midwest gripped by unusually frigid weather,
raising fears that the bitter cold could threaten the vast herd —
estimated in the thousands — of Republican presidential hopefuls roaming
around Iowa expressing a newly discovered passion for corn. As
temperatures plummet, some candidates are forced to survive by setting
fire to lower-ranking consultants.
For most Americans, however, the cold wave is
not the pressing issue. The pressing issue — which will be debated for
years to come — is how, exactly, did the New England Patriots’ footballs
get deflated for the AFC championship game. The most fascinating theory
is put forth by Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, a man who, at his
happiest, looks like irate ferrets are gnawing their way out of his
colon. He opines — these are actual quotes — that “atmospheric conditions”
could be responsible and also declares that “I’ve handled dozens of
balls over the past week.” This will turn out to be the sports highlight
of the year.
In Paris, 1.5 million people march in a solidarity rally following the horrific terrorist attack on the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo.
Eyebrows are raised when not a single top U.S. official attends, but
several days later, Secretary of State John F. Kerry arrives in France
with James Taylor, who — this really happened — performs the song “You’ve Got a Friend.”
This bold action strikes fear into the hearts of terrorists, who
realize that Secretary Kerry is fully capable, if necessary, of
unleashing Barry Manilow.
Meanwhile in Washington, a drone crashes onto the White House lawn and immediately becomes a leading contender for the Republican presidential nomination.
In
sports, the first-ever NCAA College Football Playoff reaches a
surprising climax when the Oregon Ducks are defeated in the championship
game, 42-20, by the New England Patriots. Asked how this is possible,
given that the Patriots play in the NFL, Coach Belichick opines that it
could be a result of “global climate change.”
Speaking of surprises, in ...
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